Day 1 of Not Speaking, How the hell am I going to get through this? 53.

As I take a walk through this faraway town, now separated from you by more than just distance,
I see that I need more than hope and silly dreams, But rather I need resilience.
 It's funny how love can come and love can grow, but in the end it's not enough,
People break down, attitudes change when things get awfully rough.

We all want to feel like we have control of our lives,
Of what we gain and what we lose
Of when we hurt and when we thrive,
We all want to have control of our lives,
So pain does not arise.

~Vanessa Pavelock
(No longer really counting down, just finishing what I started)

54 Days.

Will you be there at the end,

Ready to love again?

~Vanessa Pavelock

I am so tired, but I cannot sleep. It's funny how you think you're so set in what you want, until you finally realize what you've gotten yourself into, or in this case out of. I'm done. I'm fed up. I'm so much better off. You can try to convince yourself all you like-- you may even start to really believe it, but then in the blink of an eye he's gone. He's done. He's  fed up. He's better off. Just when you've begun to think your mind was set on leaving, your heart steps in and all good sense is lost with the wind-- but it's too late, you've scared him off. You, with your controlling personality, your indecisiveness, your pettiness, have shown him that he is better off without you.

You begin to think, why did I act this way, this is not who I am. You know you've become exactly what you said you wouldn't. I would never make my boyfriend live his life a certain way. I trust him. But somewhere down the line, trust wasn't enough. You began developing the fear that although he is a good person, he may begin seeing my flaws and fall out of love with me. He may find someone better than I am or someone that won't turn into this monster. You start thinking why would he love me? I am nothing special. You drive yourself crazy with thought.

How the hell did I get to this point. I've made 1000 mistakes or more. I've convinced myself that I am better off without you, and in a single moment my mind completely changed. My heart can't sit by and watch me go without a fight-- my heart can't seem to let me give up on the love of my life.

55 Days.

Joy, fear, surprise, sadness,
disgust, anger, anticipation.
You made me feel, you made me fall,
But at the end of the day, I feel love most of all.
~Vanessa Pavelock


(I don't know why I'm still counting down, I'm pathetic.)

56 Days.

We can catch a million fireflies,
But in the end you have to set them free,
Because a light can't shine quite as bright,
When it's trapped inside a jar.
~Vanessa Pavelock

57 Days.

A thousand hits can't keep you down, 

If you care enough to fight back.

A thousand words can make you frown,

But in the end one smile can bring triumph.  

~Vanessa Pavelock

58 Days.

Maybe we'll be together in the end.
Maybe we'll go our separate paths.
But remember that a little bit of my past remains,
A little bit of my heart remains with you.
~Vanessa Pavelock

59 Days.

Dreaming of summer days,

Where love can grow,

Where love can show it's face.
~Vanessa Pavelock

60 Days.

People may not want to see us together,
But we'll break through the obstacles.

We're stronger than a hurricane,
Durable as steel.

People may not want to see us together,
But they will, and they can't do anything.
~Vanessa Pavelock

61 Days.

I close my eyes to see your sweet, tender body embracing mine,
Your soft lips subtly hinting for their counterpart,
And your face glowing with anticipation.
~Vanessa Pavelock

62 Days.

Baby, can we sail on,
Sail on together,
In this sea of love?

Can we get lost?
And find our way
Right back to each other.

Darling, can we ride on this ocean
Make every moment last,
And claim our devotion?

Baby, can we sail on,

Sail on together,

In this sea of love?
~Vanessa Pavelock

63 Days.

You are the beaming light.
And the warmth upon my skin.
You are my shining sun,
The reason for my grin.
~Vanessa Pavelock

64 Days.

This journey may be hard and long,
Yet worth every single lonely day,
Filled with sobs and heart decay.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
You there, waiting to hold me.
And in the end it all works out.
In the end, we conquer the odds.

I'm having trouble sleeping,
Nothing can quite ease my mind,
The way your sweet voice can.

But, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
You there, waiting to hold me.
And in the end it all works out.
In the end, we conquer the odds.

~Vanessa Pavelock

65 Days

(Song, not to be read like a poem)
Living with a worried heart, baby I just fell apart,
Because I know you're waiting, but still I can't stop shaking.
In fear of loosing you. Oh, what would I do?
How would I cope? You're my source of hope.

Silly me, why can't I see, that you just want to be.

Always together, you and I forever.

Help me, save me, end this constant envy.

I just want you near, so baby, please come here.

Living with a worried heart, baby I just fell apart,

Because I know you're waiting, but still I can't stop shaking.

In fear of loosing you. Oh, what would I do?

How would I cope? You're my source of hope.

Love's not convenient, it's not easy. It's hard, so hard to be away.

When all I want is you, and I want it today.

I want you by my side, just take me for a ride,

Away from this place, you and I in space.

Living with a worried heart, baby I just fell apart,

Because I know you're waiting, but still I can't stop shaking.

In fear of loosing you. Oh, what would I do?

How would I cope? You're my source of hope. 

~Vanessa Pavelock

66 Days

Separated by days and miles,
By time and distance,
By shared moments and smiles.

Photographs remind me of our giddy romance,
The chasing and the racing,
The risk and the chance.
~Vanessa Pavelock

67 Days

One day closer to you.
The wait is long,
But let's be strong,
For our love is true.
~Vanessa Pavelock

68 days

Let's manifest a way,
To share each moment of every day,
Condensing all space and time,
Bringing your soul to mine.

Sweet, distant love.
I look and pray to the stars above,
To the moon we share and the night so true,
And somehow your love carries me through.

I hear the pattern of your heart,
Slowing with each day apart,
I yearn to kiss your glowing face,
To make your lonely heart race.

Sweet, distant love.
I ache and toss and think of you,
The clouds race by, the sky so blue,
Our endless love will get me through.

~Vanessa Pavelock